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暮光之城4:破晓|Breaking Down

第一部 贝拉 第五章 埃斯梅岛|5. ISLE ESME

属类: 双语小说 【分类】魔幻小说 -[作者: 斯蒂芬妮-梅耶] 阅读:[27893]
《暮光之城》是美国作家斯蒂芬妮·梅尔 (Stephenie Meyer)写的系列小说,包括《暮色》、《新月》、《月食》、《破晓》以及番外《布里·坦纳第二次短暂生命》、《暮色重生》和《午夜阳光》。《暮光之城》系列以伊莎贝拉·斯旺和爱德华·卡伦一对苦命鸳鸯的情感纠葛为主线,融合了吸血鬼传说、狼人故事、校园生活、恐怖悬念、喜剧冒险等各种元素,而凄美动人的爱情则是全书“最强烈的情绪”。
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“休斯顿?”当我们到达了西雅图的登机口我终于抬眼问。

1
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“只是旅途中的转机而已,”Edward冲我淘气地一笑。

2
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当他叫醒我的时候,我感觉都没怎么睡过。当他推着我走过候机楼的时候,我还睡眼惺忪,努力挣扎着在每次眨眼后要把眼睛睁开。我花了好几分钟才反应过来发生了什么,我们正站在国际柜台办理下一班机的登记手续。

3
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“里约热内卢?”我惴惴不安地问他。

4
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“这是另一站而已,”他告诉我。

5
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去南美的飞行旅途虽然漫长,但是躺在宽大的头等坐里,被Edward抱在怀里,真是惬意不过了。我沉沉地睡去,只有在飞机盘旋进入机场时,夕阳的余辉透过玻璃斜照进机舱时,才惊醒过来。

6
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我们并没有像我预期那样在机场等待下一班飞机。取而代之的是,我们乘坐出租车穿过了漆黑、拥挤、热闹的里约热内卢市区。Edward用葡萄牙语向司机下达了指示,我一个字都听不懂,我猜我们大概是在下一段艰难旅程开始前,先驱往某个酒店休憩。就在我考虑这个问题的时候,这种近乎惊恐的想法让我的胃感到一阵钻心的疼痛。

7
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出租车继续在川流不息的人群中向前行驶着,直到了某个人烟稀少的地方。我们似乎来到了了城市的最西边,那里延伸出去就是海洋。

8
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我们在码头停了下来。

9
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Edward领我走过一排长长的泊在漆黑的水面上的白色游艇。他在一条较小但更为时髦的船只前停下了脚步,牺牲了空间更追求速度。感觉仍然非常奢华,比其余船只都显得更为高贵。尽管提着很重的袋子,Edward矫健地跃入船中,把袋子搁在甲板上,然后小心地帮我登上船舷。

10
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我静静地看着他准备船只的起航工作,惊讶于他怎么能那么娴熟和游刃有余呢,因为他从未提过他有航海这项爱好。但是还是不得不说,他对于什么事情都那么拿手。我们面向东面进入了开放海域,我复习了下脑海中的地理知识,如果没有记错,巴西的东面好像就没有什么地方了,除非我们是去非洲。

11
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随着Edward的提速,里约热内卢的灯光在我们身后很快就黯淡下去,最终消失了。速度带来的快感,让他脸上浮现了一抹兴奋的笑容。快艇像箭一样披波前行,我也被溅起的海水洗了个淋浴。

12
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最终,沉默许久的好奇心终于再也按奈不住了。

13
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“我们还要走很远吗?”我问他。

14
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他不可能会忘记我还是个人类,但是我仍忍不住想他是否计划了让我们在这艘小艇上共度一段时间。

15
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“再半个小时就好。”他看到我放在座位上的手攥得紧紧,狡洁地笑了。

16
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哦,好吧,我只能对自己说。他毕竟是个吸血鬼,我们也许要去亚特兰提斯了。

17
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20分钟后,他在隆隆的引擎声中叫了我的名字。

18
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“Bella,看那边。”他指向前头。

19
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起先,我只能看到黑暗,和水面上撒下的洁白月光。我朝着他所指的方向努力搜寻着,终于看见水面上有个低矮的黑色影子挡住了月亮的光泽。我眯起眼睛,这个黑色的剪影变得愈发清晰起来。蹲伏着的轮廓看起来像是个不规则的三角形,一边比另一边来得更缓,一直延伸到水中。我们又靠近了些,这次我可以在微风的摇曳中的羽毛状线条了。我将眼睛重新聚焦,将零散的线索拼凑起来:在我们面前有个小岛浮出水面,宽大的棕榈叶随风轻摆,白砂海滩在月光下泛着微光。

20
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“我们在哪儿?”我小声问,而他正调转方向,直接驶向岛的北面。

21
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尽管有引擎的噪音,他仍然听到了我的问题,给出一个大大的微笑,在月光下闪耀着。

22
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“这里是Esme岛。”

23
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船一下子减慢了速度,精确地靠上了一个小小的码头,这个码头铺着木头的栈道,被月光染上了一层白色。关掉引擎,剩下的只有深远的寂静。只有海浪轻轻拍打着船身,和微风抚过棕榈叶间发出的沙沙声。空气温暖、湿润、弥漫着清香――就像洗完热水澡后残留下的水蒸气。

24
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“埃斯梅岛?”我的声音很低,但是在这宁静的夜晚中显得过于响亮了。

25
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“Carlisle的礼物――Esme允许我们借用它。”

26
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一份礼物?谁会送一座岛做为礼物的?我皱皱眉头,我以前从来没意识到Edward的极端慷慨大方原来是从谁那里学来的。

27
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他将旅行箱提上了码头,接着转回来,对我露出了他那完美的笑容。

28
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没有拉住我的手,而是直接把我整个人抱进了他怀中。

29
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“你不打算等到了门口才抱的吗?”就在他轻盈地跳出船舱的时候,我问他,呼吸变得困难。

30
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他露齿一笑。“如果不周到的话,就显得我一无是处了。”

31
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他一手提着两只巨大的旅行箱,另一只手举着我。他把我抱上了岸,来到了一条在乌黑的植被中出现的白砂小路上。

32
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有那么一小会儿,我误以为我们是来到了丛林,但是接着我就看到了尽头的一点灯光。等我意识到这光是从一幢房子中发出来的,差不多我们已经到了门口了。两束明亮,正方形的灯光是从前门这边的窗户中透出的。我又有些怯场了,知道我们来的并不是旅馆后,症状比之前更为严重了。

33
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我的心脏在胸腔中响亮地跳动,我的呼吸就卡在了喉咙处。我感到Edward的视线落在我的脸上,但是我却不敢去看。我直直地看着前方,却什么都没看进去。

34
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他并没有问我在想什么,这点不像他平时的作风。我猜那是因为他和我一样的紧张。

35
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将箱子都在门廊处安放好,他打开了门,门本身没有锁。

36
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Edward低头看着我,等到我终于抬起眼睛对上他的视线后,迈步跨进了门槛。

37
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他抱着我巡视屋子,我们两个都非常安静,他一边走一边把灯打开。我对于这栋房子含糊的记忆就是对于一个小岛来说,它过于宽敞了;还有种奇怪的熟悉感,我应该要开始习惯Cullen家偏爱的淡色系了,有种家的感觉。我没有办法把精力放在其他细节上,耳根后狂乱地脉搏冲击让一切都显得有些朦胧。

38
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这时,Edward停下来打开了最后一盏灯。

39
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这是间宽大的白色房间,远处的墙几乎都是用玻璃构成,这也是我们家吸血鬼的标准装饰。外面就是月光漂白的细沙滩,从房子再出去几码就是波光粼粼的海面了。但是这些我也几乎没有注意到。我光顾着看房间中央那张白色的大床了,从上面悬下绘有繁复云彩纹样的纱帐。

40
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Edward把我放到了地上。

41
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“我去……拿行李。”

42
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这个房间温暖得过头,比外面热带的夜晚还要闷热。豆大的汗珠顺着脖颈留下,我慢慢地向前挪着步子,直到伸出手可以摸到那细腻的纱帐。基于各种原因,我想要肯定这一切都是真的。

43
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我没有听到Edward回来的声音。只突然感到他冰冷的手指爱抚上我的颈背,拭去滴下的汗水。

44
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“这里似乎有些热,”他抱歉地说到。“我还以为……那样正好。”

45
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“确实是,”我在呼吸下小声嘟囔,他也笑了。那样紧张的笑声,不像平时的Edward。

46
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“我考虑了各方面,来让这……件事变得容易些,”他坦白承认。

47
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我响亮地咽了一口口水,仍然背对着他。以前有谁有过这样的蜜月吗?

48
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我知道答案。不,从没有过。

49
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“我在想,”Edward缓缓开口说。“如果……首先……你是否想和我一起来个午夜游泳?”

50
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他深吸了一口气,再次开口时声音显得放松了许多。“海水会很暖和,海滩也是你所喜欢的。”

51
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“听起来不错。”我连声音都变了。

52
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“也许你先需要一个人准备一两分钟……那是一段很长的旅行。”

53
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我木讷地点点头,我几乎感觉不到自己还是作为人存在。也许单独待几分钟会有帮助。

54
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他的唇扫过我的喉咙,直达耳垂下。他扑嗤笑了出来,冰凉的气息拂过我滚烫的肌肤,感觉痒痒的。“别花太久哦,Cullen太太。”

55
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听到我的新名字,不禁惊跳了起来。

56
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他的唇又从脖子一路向下点在了我肩膀上。“我在水里等你。”

57
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他经过我身边来到了一扇敞开通向沙滩的法式门边。半路上,他褪掉了他的衬衫,把它丢在地上,接着从门口闪进了夜色中。身后留下了充满qingse,带有海水咸味的闷热空气。

58
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我的皮肤着火了吗?我得低头检查一下。没有,什么都没有烧起来。至少表面上看起来没有。

59
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我提醒自己要记得呼吸,跌跌撞撞地走向一个白色的梳妆台,上面放着已经被Edward打开的超大号旅行箱。这一定是我的,因为我熟悉的洗漱用包正躺在最上面,下面全是些粉红的衣服,但是我一件都不认得。我在一大堆折叠整齐的衣物中翻刨着,希望能找到几样熟悉而又舒适的,一套旧的汗衫之类的,可是拿在手里的尽是些薄得透明的蕾丝和少得可怜的雪纺。贴身内衣。全都贴着法国牌子,非常性感的女性内衣。

60
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我不知道怎么办或者什么时候,但是总有一天,Alice会为此付出代价的。

61
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我放弃了,走到浴室,那里长长的玻璃和法式门一样都面向同一片沙滩,我偷瞄了眼窗外,但没有看到他。我猜他一定在水里,反正他也不需要浮上来换气。头顶上皓月当空,把沙滩照耀地一片洁白明亮。一个细小的移动引起了我的注意――沙滩边缘的一颗棕榈树上挂着一样什么东西,原来是他剩下的衣物正在清风中微微飘荡。

62
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一股炙热再次燃遍了全身的皮肤。

63
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我又做了几次深呼吸,接着走到悬挂于一长排柜子之上的镜子前。我看起来确实像在飞机上已经睡了一整天的样子。我找到了我的梳子,我急躁地梳理起在背后打结了的头发,直到它们顺滑为止,梳子上满是扯下的头发。我异常仔细地刷了两遍牙。接着我洗了脸,并把水敷在了我那发烫的脖颈上。感觉还不错,于是我又开始洗我的胳膊,但是最后还是放弃了,决定去洗个淋浴。我知道在游泳前沐浴是一个很荒谬的做法,但我需要冷静,热水可以帮我放松。

64
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另外,再剃一遍腿毛似乎也是个不错的主意。

65
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当我做完这些,我从柜子上扯下一根白色的大毛巾,从胳肢窝下把自己包了起来。

66
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这时我发现自己处于了一种进退两难的窘境。我应该穿什么呢?很显然不是泳衣,而穿回我自己的衣服又显得太傻了。Alice帮我打包的那些衣服我更是想也不敢想。

67
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我的呼吸再次开始急促起来,双手也不住地颤抖――淋浴的平静效果全白费了。我感觉有些目眩,恐慌到了极点。我就这样裹着浴巾,坐在磁砖地板上,把头埋在了两膝之间。可以想象如果他看到了我这种支离破碎的样子会做何感想。不难让他信服我们正在犯下一个错误。

68
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我的焦躁不安并不是因为我们正在犯一个错误,完全不是。我焦虑的是我不知道应该怎么做,我害怕走出这间房间,面对未知。特别是那些法国内衣,我还没有做好准备。

69
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这就像在剧院,走到了上千观众面前,却不知道自己的台词是什么。

70
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别人是怎么做的呢?强忍他们的恐惧,甚至连Edward给我的这份绝对承诺都没有的情况下,默默地相信着另一个有着同样恐惧和不完美的人?如果在外面的不是Edward,如果我不是全身的每一个细胞都坚信他爱我,就像我爱他一样,无条件的、永远的、还有不理智的――那我会永远都没有办法从地上站起来。

71
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但是Edward就在外面,所以我边默念着“别做胆小鬼”,边摇摇晃晃地站起来。我紧了紧胳膊下的浴巾,坚定地从浴室迈开脚步。路过那一箱子的蕾丝和大床时,连看都没看一眼。走出那扇敞开着的玻璃门,踏上了那细腻如粉的沙滩。

72
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月光下的所有物体都被滤去了颜色,只剩黑白。我迟缓地走过温暖的细沙,在他挂衣服的那颗弯曲的树旁稍作停留。我扶着那颗表面粗糙的树,检查自己的呼吸是否平顺,或者说足够平顺。

73
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我在一片黑暗的涟漪中寻找他的身影。

74
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要找他并不难。他站在齐腰深的水中,背对着我,仰望着椭圆的月亮。苍白的月光让他的皮肤看起来异常白皙,像那些细沙,像月亮本身;对比之下他湿漉漉的黑发,深邃得就像海洋。他一动不动地站在那里,手掌向下压着水面,低低的涟漪从他身边荡开,仿佛他只是一块石头。我盯着他背部,肩膀、手臂、脖子的流畅曲线,无可挑剔的身材……

75
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燃遍全身肌肤的火焰现在变得缓慢而又深沉,它燃尽了我所有的尴尬、所有不确定的害羞。浴巾悄无声息地滑落,没有一丝犹豫,和他的衣物一起留在了树上。走入了那一片白月光,让我也变得如同白砂般的耀眼。

76
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我听不见自己走向水边的脚步声,但是他应该可以。Edward并没有转身。涌起的柔和海浪没过我的脚趾,我发现他是对的――海水就像洗澡水般暖和。我走了进去,小心翼翼地趟过看不见的海床,不过我的担忧是多余的,海底的砂子依然平滑,向着Edward的方向徐徐倾斜。

77
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最后,我涉过让人失重的水流来到了他身边,轻轻把手覆上了他放在水面上的冰凉的手。

78
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“真美啊,”我说,同样抬头看着月亮。

79
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“确实如此,”他回答说,完全不为所动的样子。他慢慢地转过来面对我,这一小小的动作泛起身边层层涟漪,碰到我之后便消散了。他剔透的脸旁上,一对眼睛闪耀着银色的光芒。他将掌心向上翻起,这样我们的手就在水面下十指紧扣。温暖的海水温热了他冰冷的皮肤,我就不会因此起鸡皮疙瘩了。

80
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“但是我不会用美这个单词,”他接下去说。“因为和你一比,相形见绌。”

81
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我半微笑着,伸出我还有一只手放在了他心脏的位置上――已经不会在颤抖了。白色对上白色,我第一次感到我们是如此般配。我温暖的触碰引发了他极细微的颤动,他的呼吸粗重起来。

82
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“我答应过你,我们可以尝试,”他耳语的呢喃突然紧张起来。“如果……如果我做错什么,如果我伤到了你,你必须马上告诉我。”

83
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我沉默地点点头,视线仍然在他身上逗留。我又向水中浸入了一步,把头靠上他的胸膛。

84
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“别害怕,”我低声细语。“我们属于彼此。”

85
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我自己也突然被自己这句真理所折服。这一刻是这么完美,这么正确,没有丝毫的怀疑。

86
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他的臂膀环上我,贴身地搂着我。一个是冬天,一个是夏天。我感觉我的每根神经末梢都像通上了电流。

87
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“永远。”他赞同我。然后温柔地拉着我们两个没入了更深的水中。

88
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早晨的太阳,烤着我背上赤果的肌肤,将我唤醒。已经早中午了,也许都已经是下午了,我没有概念。但是除了时间之外的一切,我非常清楚。我知道我在哪里――有着白色大床的明亮房间,灿烂的阳光照进敞开的门口。云纹图案的纱帐柔和了不少晒人的阳光。

89
-

我没有睁开眼睛。我幸福地不想去改变任何事情,无论多小的事情都不想。仅有的声音是外面的海浪声,我们的呼吸声,我的心跳声……

90
-

即使太阳很炙烈,我却感觉很舒服。他冰凉凉的皮肤是对抗暑意的灵丹妙药。躺在他冰冷的胸口,被他的手臂环抱着,感觉自然而又轻松。我慵懒地想着,为什么我昨晚要那么恐慌呢。我的恐惧现在看来真是愚蠢透顶。

91
-

他的手指轻柔地沿着我的脊椎轮廓描摹着,我明白他知道我醒了。我仍然闭着眼睛,更用力地搂紧了他的脖子,把自己贴地更紧些。

92
-

他没有说话,手指在我背后上上下下,几乎没有碰到我,更像是在细细观摩我肌肤的纹理。

93
-

如果能永远这么躺着就好了,永远不到破这一刻的幸福,但是我的身体却有着其他想法。我对着我那不耐烦的胃只能苦笑了。经历了昨晚的一切,它也差不多饿了。把我从某个快乐的极点带回来了地面。

94
-

“有什么好笑的?”他轻声地问,手指仍然在背部游走。他的声音听起来一本正经,还带着些许干哑。昨晚缠绵交织的记忆浮现上脑海,让我的脸和脖子瞬间绯红。

95
-

我咕咕叫的胃替我回答了他这个问题,我又笑了。“终于还是无法长时间逃脱做为一个人类啊。”

96
-

我等着他和我一起笑,但是没有。慢慢地,从头脑中浑浑噩噩的至高幸福中一层层脱离出来,现实的氛围跟我一个人高涨的幸福感有些格格不入。

97
-

我睁开眼睛第一个看到的就是他喉咙那苍白但是晶莹的肌肤,向上就是他曲线柔美的下巴。他的下颚紧绷着,我支起身子以便可以欣赏他的脸。

98
-

我研究着他为什么如此神色黯淡,他只是看着我们头上纱帐的顶篷,并没有看我。他的表情像受到了严重的打击――我浑身一哆嗦。

99
-

“Edward,”我奇怪地哽咽了下才把话说出口,“怎么回事?出什么问题了?”

100
-

“你一定要问吗?”他戏虐的语气听起来很强硬。

101
-

长时间没有安全感的我养成的第一反应就是,我又做错了什么。我好好回想了番昨晚发生的事情,但是什么不好的迹象都没有。这一切发生得远比我所预期的要简单得多;就像两块吻合的拼图终于契合到了一起。这也给了我一个小小的满足感――我们的身体也像其他方面一样情趣相投。冰与火在某些时候也可以不伤害彼此得共存着。更证明了我是属于他的。

102
-

我实在猜不透是什么让他这个样子――令人心寒的挫败感。我错过了什么吗?

103
-

他用手指抚平了我额头紧皱的疙瘩。

104
-

“你到底在想什么啊?”他低声说。

105
-

“你在担忧。但是我不明白。我是不是……”我还来不及把话说完。

106
-

他收紧了目光。“你知道你伤得有多严重吗,Bella?这是事实――别试图掩饰了。”

107
-

“伤?”我重复了一遍。意料之外的答案让我的声音比往常都高。

108
-

他挑了挑眉毛,嘴唇抿成一条线。

109
-

我做了个快速检查,本能地舒展一下肢体,曲张一下肌肉。伴随着僵硬而来的是酸痛,看来是真的,有种全身关节都错位了的异样感觉,浑身酸软的感觉让我觉得自己是一只水母。但这并不是一种不愉快的感觉。

110
-

我气不打一处来,多么美妙的早晨啊,全都被他悲观的假象给搞砸了。

111
-

“你为什么那么武断地就下结论呢?我感觉从没那么好过。”

112
-

他闭上眼睛。“别说了。”

113
-

“别说什么?”

114
-

“承认这一点吧,别假装得好像我不是一个怪物。”

115
-

“Edward!”我着实担心了起来。他正在把我美好的回忆拉回黑暗中,玷污它。“再也不许这样说。”

116
-

他没有睁开眼睛,似乎并不想看到我。

117
-

“看看你自己,Bella。然后再说我不是怪物。”

118
-

被他的话刺痛了,震惊了。我不假思索地照着他的指示去做,然后大吃一惊。

119
-

我发生了什么?我无法理解粘在皮肤上的白色绒毛雪花。我摇摇脑袋,白色瀑布倾泻而下。

120
-

我用两根手指拈起一小撮松软的白色雪花。是一根羽绒。

121
-

“为什么我身上都是羽毛?”我迷惑不解地问。

122
-

他不耐烦地叹了口气。“我咬破了一个枕头。或者两个。那个不是我要说的重点。”

123
-

“你……咬破了枕头?为什么?

124
-

“看看,Bella!”他几乎咆哮了起来。他抓起我的手――小心翼翼的――拉过我的手臂。“看看那个。”

125
-

这一次,我明白他要说什么了。

126
-

拂去羽毛后,大块略显紫色的瘀青开始在我手臂苍白的皮肤上一朵朵绽开。我沿着这些痕迹顺势看去,向上到了我的肩膀,向下到了肋骨。我随意在前臂上找了一个出血点按下去,颜色先在戳下去的地方变浅,随后又恢复了青紫。隐隐作痛。

127
-

Edward把他的手轻轻地点在我手臂上有瘀青的地方,一个挨一个,动作轻柔得几乎都没有碰到我。修长的手指很称我瘀青的皮肤。

128
-

“欧,”我说。

129
-

我试图想起,想起有过的疼痛,但是完全没有。完全没有片刻让我觉得他抱得太用力,或是他的手抓得太紧。我只记得我想要他,抱我抱得更用力些,而且满心欢喜他真这样做了……

130
-

“我很……抱歉,Bella,”就在我盯着这些瘀青出神时,他在我耳边低低地说。“我就知道会这样。我不应该……”他从喉咙的后部发出低沉,反感的声音。“我的内疚远远多于我能说给你听的道歉。”

131
-

他痛苦得用双手抱住头,就这样一动也不动。

132
-

我良久地坐在那里,沉浸在惊愕中,既然我知道了原委,我必须试着去理解他的痛苦。原来这个过程对他来说是那么痛苦,和我的快感简直大相径庭。

133
-

震惊退潮后的沙滩什么都没有留下。只有虚无。我脑袋空白一片。我甚至不知道该说些什么。我该怎么跟他恰当地解释?我该怎么让他感到和我一样的幸福――起码一刻钟之前还为之陶醉的幸福。

134
-

我碰碰他的手臂,但是他没有回应我。我抓着他的手腕,想要把他的手从他脸上拿下来,但是我无法扯动这尊雕像。

135
-

“Edward。”

136
-

他还是没动。

137
-

“Edward?”

138
-

还是没有反应。那好,我说你听。

139
-

“我不感到有什么可抱歉的,Edward。我……我甚至都没来得及告诉你。我是那么幸福。那根本不算什么。不要发火。别。我真的很……”

140
-

“别跟我说‘好’。”他的声音像冰一样凛冽。“如果你还尊重我的判断,就不要说你还好。”

141
-

“但是,我是很好啊。”我小声地嘀咕。

142
-

“Bella,”他几乎都在呜咽了。“别这样。”

143
-

“不,是你不要再这样了,Edward。”

144
-

他终于放下了手臂,金色的眼睛警惕地看着我。

145
-

“别破坏这一切。”我告诉他。“我,很,幸福。”

146
-

“可我已经毁了这一切了。”他轻声的说。

147
-

“那就不要说了。”我厉声回答。

148
-

我听见他咬紧牙根的声音。

149
-

“Ugh!”我发出不满的呻吟。“为什么你就不能读到我的心思呢?屏蔽思想真是太不方便了!”

150
-

他睁大眼睛看着我,有些摸不着头脑。

151
-

“这倒是没听说过。你不是很喜欢我不能读懂你心思的吗?”

152
-

“不是今天。”

153
-

他盯着我“为什么?”

154
-

我费劲力气抬起手来,无视因肌肉牵动引发的酸痛。我重重地用手掌拍了一下他的胸口。“因为如果你能看到我现在的感受,或者5分钟前,总之,你就会觉得你那些苦恼都是不必要的。我刚才幸福至极。现在全被搅和了。现在,我真的有点生气了。”

155
-

“你应该生我气的。”

156
-

“恩,是啊。那样会不会让你好过点?”

157
-

叹气。“不,我不认为现在可以有什么让我好过的了。”

158
-

“够了,”我气冲冲地把话顶了回去。“这就是我为什么生气的原因。你总在歪曲我的意思,Edward。”

159
-

他瞪了瞪我,摇摇头。

160
-

我深吸一口气。现在更多的痛苦感觉漫了上来,但是并不是那么糟。有点像拎完重物后的第二天。有一阵子Renee沉迷于形体锻炼,我陪她一起做过,两只手各拎一个10磅的重物做65回冲刺。害我第二天都不能走路。现在这点疼痛都不及当时的一半。

161
-

我强吞怒火,转而用一种哄人的语气。“我们都知道这是一个棘手的问题。多少也有想到过。然后――好吧,这比我预想的要简单得多。而且这真的没什么。”我的手指抚过手臂。“我认为第一次在什么都不了解的情况下,我们做得很出色。稍加练习的话……”

162
-

他的脸色瞬间发青,让我不得不吞下后面半句话。

163
-

“想到过?你有想到过你会变成这个样子吗,Bella?你有预见到我会伤害你吗?还是你想得更坏呢?你是不是觉得你能挺过来就是一个成功了呢?没有骨折就代表胜利了吗?”

164
-

我等着他把这一通话发泄完,再等着他气息回到了正常。当他的眼神平静了下来,我沉着的,谨慎地回答他这些问题。

165
-

“我不知道应该期待些什么――但是我万万没有想到的是那段经历是……是这样的奇妙和完美。”我的声音低得几乎都听不见,我的目光也从看着他的脸转而注视着自己的手。“我是说,我不知道你是怎么感觉的,但是对我来说就是那样。”

166
-

我感觉到有冰凉的手指抬起我的下巴。

167
-

“那是不是就是你担心的?”他的声音从牙缝中挤出来。“我自己没有享受到?”

168
-

我低垂下眼睛。“我知道这很不同。你不是人类。我只是想说明,作为一个人类,是的,我不能想象还有这么比这个更好的人生体验了。”

169
-

他沉默了很长一段时间,终于,我忍不住抬眼瞧去。他的脸色柔和了下来,正在思考。

170
-

“看起来我还有更多的事要道歉呢。”他皱起眉头。“我对你的所作所为,我没有想到你还顾虑了我的感受,昨晚不是……是的,是我有生以来最棒的夜晚。但是我不愿意这样去想,起码不是在你被……”

171
-

我的嘴角微微翘起。“真的?前所未有的?”我小声的询问。

172
-

他捧起我的脸,仍然带着几分反省的姿态。“在你和我达成了协议之后,我有找Carlisle谈过,希望他能够帮助我。当然他也警告过我这对你来说太危险了。”

173
-

他的脸上掠过一丝阴影。“他相信我,但是我却辜负了他这番信任。”

174
-

我想要辩驳,但是他用两根手指封住我的唇,让我无法开口。

175
-

“我也问过他我应该预判到些什么。我也不知道会发生什么……身为吸血鬼的我会带来什么。”他敷衍地笑了笑。“Carlisle告诉我这是件非常具有冲击力的事情,无与伦比。他说肉体上的爱欲对我来说不是儿戏。我们喜怒无常,所以永远沉浸在强烈的情感中。但是他也说了我无须担心这部分――因为你已经彻底征服了我。”这一次他的微笑更自然一些。

176
-

“我也和我的兄弟们聊过。他们告诉我这是一种至高的快感。仅此于饮人血。”他皱了皱眉。“但是我已经尝过你的血了,没有其他血能比你的更有说服力……我不认为他们是错的,真的。但是对我们来说这是不同的。有更多的意义。”

177
-

“是有更多的意义。这代表着一切。”

178
-

“但这也不意味着这就是对的。即使你真的有这种感觉。”

179
-

“这话什么意思?你认为我只是在瞎说?为什么?”

180
-

“为了减轻我的罪恶感。我无法忽视这些证据,Bella。或者每当我犯了错误后,你都这样减轻我的责任。”

181
-

我抓住他的下巴,把脸凑得很近。“你听我说,EdwardCullen。我不会为了你而假装任何事情,明白吗?我甚至都不知道还有什么理由可以让你好过点,直到你开始变得悲观消极。我人生中还从来没这么快乐过――不是因为你决定了要爱我而不是杀了我,不是头一个早晨我醒来看到你在那里等我……也不是我在芭蕾舞教室里听见你声音的时候”他本能地抗拒这个我被另一个吸血鬼追捕的尘封记忆,但是我没有停顿……“或者是在你说‘我愿意’,而我也意识到我可以永远地拥有你的那个时刻。那些都是我最开心的回忆,而这个,要比那些还要好。所以就接受吧。”

182
-

他指指我眉间的疙瘩。“我现在让你不开心了。我不想这么做的。”

183
-

“那么你也不要不高兴了。这才是这里唯一出错的事情。”

184
-

他收敛起目光,接着他做了个深呼吸,然后点点头。“你是对的。过去已经过去了,而我也不能改变什么了。没必要让我的心情左右你。现在我要做一切我可以做的,来让你高兴。”

185
-

我将信将疑地审视着他的脸,他给了我一个恬静的笑容。

186
-

“任何让我高兴的事?”

187
-

我问话的时候,胃又开始咕咕叫了。

188
-

“你饿了,”他迅速说。他迅捷下床的动作搅起了一阵羽毛翻飞。这倒提醒了我。

189
-

“话说,为什么你要毁了Esme的枕头呢?”我问他,坐在那边从头上掳下更多的羽毛来。

190
-

他早已经套上了一条宽松的卡其裤,站在门口。拨弄着自己的头发,又捋下几根羽毛。

191
-

“我不知道我昨晚是不是准备做些什么,”他吞吞吐吐地说。“我们很走运,我咬破的是枕头不是你。”他如释重负,然后摇摇头,好像想要摆脱那些灰暗的想法。一个真正的笑容绽放在他脸上,但是我想他是费了很大的努力才做到的。

192
-

我小心地从高高的床上跳下地面,再次伸展了下全身,现在,感觉更明显了,更多的酸软和疼痛。我听见他喘了一口气,转身离我而去。他的手握成了拳,紧得关节发白。

193
-

“我是不是看起来很丑?”我努力让自己的语气保持着轻快。他停顿住了呼吸,但是并没有转身,也许不想让我看到他的表情。我走向了浴室去做个简单的检查。

194
-

我直勾勾地盯着门后全身镜中自己的裸体。

195
-

伤确实还要严重些。一条淡淡的阴影穿过我一边的颧骨,嘴唇也有些发肿,但是除了这些,我的脸还算好的。身体的其余部分就被点缀得蓝一块紫一块的,我注意到那些瘀青都是在最难掩藏的部分,手臂和肩膀。并不是很糟,皮外伤很容易就好的。我以前也常常会有不知道从哪儿弄到的瘀青。这次只是更多一些而已。不妙的是我明天可能看上去还要糟糕。

196
-

我有看了看我的头发,发出一阵悲鸣。

197
-

“Bella?”一听到我的声音,他立刻就出现在了我面前。

198
-

“我永远都会清理不干净这些羽毛的!”我指指我想就像鸡窝的脑袋。我开始着手拔羽毛。

199
-

“看来是蛮让你担心的。”他只咕哝了一句,就来到我身后帮我清理起来,他的动作快得多了。

200
-

“你怎么可以忍住不笑呢?我看起来很滑稽啊。”

201
-

他没有作声,只默默地清理着。但是我还是多少知道了他的回答――以他现在这种心情可没什么好笑的。

202
-

“这不管用,”过了一分钟我叹气说。“都扎在里面了。我看看能不能把它们洗掉吧。”

203
-

我转过身,将手臂环上他冰冷的腰。“你想要帮我吗?”

204
-

“我还是帮你准备些吃的吧,”他冷静地说,温柔地挣脱了我的手。他以极快的速度逃一般地消失了,我小叹了一口气。

205
-

看起来我的蜜月就这样结束了。这个想法让我的喉咙总像被什么堵上了。

206
-

总算把羽毛去除的差不多了,我穿上件陌生的白色棉质连身裙,把一些最严重的青紫斑点掩盖在下面。我赤着脚啪嗒啪嗒地往鸡蛋,培根还有Cheddar乳酪发出香味的地方走过去。

207
-

Edward站在不锈钢烤箱前面,正将一个煎鸡蛋盛进料理台上一个浅蓝色的盘子里。我深深被食物的香气所吸引。我觉得我甚至可以连那个盘子和法兰铁盘都吞下去,我的胃在怒吼。

208
-

“过来,”他对我说。他微笑着把盘子放在了餐桌了上。

209
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我在其中一把金属椅子上坐下,就开始狼吞虎咽起那些滚烫的鸡蛋来。它们灼伤了我的喉咙,但是我顾不上这些。

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他在我对面坐下来。“我平时不怎么为你做饭。”

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我又吞下一口,然后提醒他,“我好困哦。顺便说一句,这个确实很不错,尤其是某人平时并不吃的食物。”

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“食物网,(不知道这个是什么)”他说,闪烁着我最爱的那种邪邪的笑容。

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我很高兴能看到这个笑容,更为高兴的是他似乎又恢复了本来的自己。

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“鸡蛋是哪儿来的?”

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“我让清洁人员存在厨房的。在这里还是第一次呢。我还要让他们帮忙处理那些羽毛……”他声音小了下去,目光放空在我头顶上方。我没有回答,避免说了些什么又触发了他的焦虑。

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他做了两人份的食物,但是我全都吃了下去。

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“谢谢,”我告诉他。我隔着桌子,倾过身子去吻了他。他自然地回吻了我,但是突然绷紧了身体,向后靠去。

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我咬牙切齿,不客气地就把问题给抛了出来。“我们在这里的期间内,你是不是打算再也不碰我了?是吗?”

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他踌躇了一下,然后半微笑地抬起手爱抚我的脸颊。指尖温柔在我皮肤上徘徊,我无法抑制地把脸贴上他的手掌。

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“你知道这不是我的本意。”

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他叹了口气,垂下手。“我知道,你是对的,”他停顿了一下,微微仰起下巴。接着以一种坚定的口吻说。“直到你改变之前,我都不会和你做爱了。我不会再次伤害你。”

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"Just a stop along the way," Edward assured me with a grin.

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It felt like I’d barely fallen asleep when he woke me. I was groggy as he pulled me through the terminals, struggling to remember how to open my eyes after every blink. It took me a few minutes to catch up with what was going on when we stopped at the international counter to check in for our next flight.

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"Rio de Janeiro?" I asked with slightly more trepidation.

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"Another stop," he told me.

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The flight to South America was long but comfortable in the wide first-class seat, with Edward’s arms cradled around me. I slept myself out and awoke unusually alert as we circled toward the airport with the light of the setting sun slanting through the plane’s windows.

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We didn’t stay in the airport to connect with another flight as I’d expected. Instead we took a taxi through the dark, teeming, living streets of Rio. Unable to understand a word of Edward’s Portuguese instructions to the driver, I guessed that we were off to find a hotel before the next leg of our journey. A sharp twinge of something very close to stage fright twisted in the pit of my stomach as I considered that. The taxi continued through the swarming crowds until they thinned somewhat, and we appeared to be nearing the extreme western edge of the city, heading into the ocean.

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We stopped at the docks.

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Edward led the way down the long line of white yachts moored in the night-blackened water. The boat he stopped at was smaller than the others, sleeker, obviously built for speed instead of space. Still luxurious, though, and more graceful than the rest. He leaped in lightly, despite the heavy bags he carried. He dropped those on the deck and turned to help me carefully over the edge.

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I watched in silence while he prepared the boat for departure, surprised at how skilled and comfortable he seemed, because he’d never mentioned an interest in boating before. But then again, he was good at just about everything.

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As we headed due east into the open ocean, I reviewed basic geography in my head. As far as I could remember, there wasn’t much east of Brazil... until you got to Africa.

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But Edward sped forward while the lights of Rio faded and ultimately disappeared behind us. On his face was a familiar exhilarated smile, the one produced by any form of speed. The boat plunged through the waves and I was showered with sea spray.

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Finally the curiosity I’d suppressed so long got the best of me.

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"Are we going much farther?" I asked.

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It wasn’t like him to forget that I was human, but I wondered if he planned for us to live on this small craft for any length of time.

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"About another half hour." His eyes took in my hands, clenched on the seat, and he grinned.

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Oh well, I thought to myself. He was a vampire, after all. Maybe we were going to Atlantis.

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Twenty minutes later, he called my name over the roar of the engine.

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"Bella, look there." He pointed straight ahead.

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I saw only blackness at first, and the moon’s white trail across the water. But I searched the space where he pointed until I found a low black shape breaking into the sheen of moonlight on the waves. As I squinted into the darkness, the silhouette became more detailed. The shape grew into a squat, irregular triangle, with one side trailing longer than the other before sinking into the waves. We drew closer, and I could see the outline was feathery, swaying to the light breeze.

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And then my eyes refocused and the pieces all made sense: a small island rose out of the water ahead of us, waving with palm fronds, a beach glowing pale in the light of the moon.

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"Where are we?" I murmured in wonder while he shifted course, heading around to the north end of the island.

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He heard me, despite the noise of the engine, and smiled a wide smile that gleamed in the moonlight.

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"This is Isle Esme."

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The boat slowed dramatically, drawing with precision into position against a short dock constructed of wooden planks, bleached into whiteness by the moon. The engine cut off, and the silence that followed was profound. There was nothing but the waves, slapping lightly against the boat, and the rustle of the breeze in the palms. The air was warm, moist, and fragrant - like the steam left behind after a hot shower.

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"Isle Esme?" My voice was low, but it still sounded too loud as it broke into the quiet night.

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"A gift from Carlisle - Esme offered to let us borrow it."

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A gift. Who gives an island as a gift? I frowned. I hadn’t realized that Edward’s extreme generosity was a learned behavior.

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He placed the suitcases on the dock and then turned back, smiling his perfect smile as he reached for me.

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Instead of taking my hand, he pulled me right up into his arms.

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"Aren’t you supposed to wait for the threshold?’71 asked, breathless, as he sprung lightly out of the boat.

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He grinned. "I’m nothing if not thorough."

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Gripping the handles of both huge steamer trunks in one hand and cradling me in the other arm, he carried me up the dock and onto a pale sand pathway through the dark vegetation.

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For a short while it was pitch black in the jungle-like growth, and then I could see a warm light ahead. It was about at the point when I realized the light was a house - the two bright, perfect squares were wide windows framing a front door - that the stage fright attacked again, more forcefully than before, worse than when I’d thought we were headed for a hotel.

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My heart thudded audibly against my ribs, and my breath seemed to get stuck in my throat. I felt Edward’s eyes on my face, but I refused to meet his gaze. I stared straight ahead, seeing nothing.

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He didn’t ask what I was thinking, which was out of character for him. I guessed that meant that he was just as nervous as I suddenly was.

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He set the suitcases on the deep porch to open the doors - they were unlocked.

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Edward looked down at me, waiting until I met his gaze before he stepped through the threshold.

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He carried me through the house, both of us very quiet, flipping on lights as he went. My vague impression of the house was that it was quite large for a tiny island, and oddly familiar. I’d gotten used to the pale-on-pale color scheme preferred by the Cullens; it felt like home. I couldn’t focus on any specifics, though. The violent pulse beating behind my ears made everything a little blurry.

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Then Edward stopped and turned on the last light.

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The room was big and white, and the far wall was mostly glass - standard decor for my vampires. Outside, the moon was bright on white sand and, just a few yards away from the house, glistening waves. But I barely noted that part. I was more focused on the absolutely huge white bed in the center of the room, hung with billowy clouds of mosquito netting.

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Edward set me on my feet.

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"I’ll... go get the luggage."

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The room was too warm, stuffier than the tropical night outside. A bead of sweat dewed up on the nape of my neck. I walked slowly forward until I could reach out and touch the foamy netting. For some reason I felt the need to make sure everything was real.

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I didn’t hear Edward return. Suddenly, his wintry finger caressed the back of my neck, wiping away the drop of perspiration.

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"It’s a little hot here," he said apologetically. "I thought... that would be best."

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"Thorough," I murmured under my breath, and he chuckled. It was a nervous sound, rare for Edward.

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"I tried to think of everything that would make this... easier," he admitted.

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I swallowed loudly, still facing away from him. Had there ever been a honeymoon like this before?

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I knew the answer to that. No. There had not.

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"I was wondering,’7Edward said slowly, "if... first... maybe you’d like to take a midnight swim with me?" He took a deep breath, and his voice was more at ease when he spoke again. "The water will be very warm. This is the kind of beach you approve of."

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"Sounds nice." My voice broke.

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"I’m sure you’d like a human minute or two.... It was a long journey."

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I nodded woodenly. I felt barely human; maybe a few minutes alone would help.

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His lips brushed against my throat, just below my ear. He chuckled once and his cool breath tickled my overheated skin. "Don’t take too long, Mrs. Cullen."

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I jumped a little at the sound of my new name.

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His lips brushed down my neck to the tip of my shoulder. "I’ll wait for you in the water."

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He walked past me to the French door that opened right onto the beach sand. On the way, he shrugged out of his shirt, dropping it on the floor, and then slipped through the door into the moonlit night. The sultry, salty air swirled into the room behind him.

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Did my skin burst into flames? I had to look down to check. Nope, nothing was burning. At least, not visibly.

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I reminded myself to breathe, and then I stumbled toward the giant suitcase that Edward had opened on top of a low white dresser. It must be mine, because my familiar bag of toiletries was right on top, and there was a lot of pink in there, but I didn’t recognize even one article of clothing. As I pawed through the neatly folded piles - looking for something familiar and comfortable, a pair of old sweats maybe - it came to my attention that there was an awful lot of sheer lace and skimpy satin in my hands. Lingerie. Very lingerie-ish lingerie, with French tags.

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I didn’t know how or when, but someday, Alice was going to pay for this.

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Giving up, I went to the bathroom and peeked out through the long windows that opened to the same beach as the French doors. I couldn’t see him; I guessed he was there in the water, not bothering to come up for air. In the sky above, the moon was lopsided, almost full, and the sand was bright white under its shine. A small movement caught my eye - draped over a bend in one of the palm trees that fringed the beach, the rest of his clothes were swaying in the light breeze.

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A rush of heat flashed across my skin again.

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I took a couple of deep breaths and then went to the mirrors above the long stretch of counters. I looked exactly like I’d been sleeping on a plane all day. I found my brush and yanked it harshly through the snarls on the back of my neck until they were smoothed out and the bristles were full of hair. I brushed my teeth meticulously, twice. Then I washed my face and splashed water on the back of my neck, which was feeling feverish. That felt so good that I washed my arms as well, and finally I decided to just give up and take the shower. I knew it was ridiculous to shower before swimming, but I needed to calm down, and hot water was one reliable way to do that.

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Also, shaving my legs again seemed like a pretty good idea.

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When I was done, I grabbed a huge white towel off the counter and wrapped it under my arms.

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Then I was faced with a dilemma I hadn’t considered. What was I supposed to put on? Not a swimsuit, obviously. But it seemed silly to put my clothes back on, too. I didn’t even want to think about the things Alice had packed for me.

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My breathing started to accelerate again and my hands trembled - so much for the calming effects of the shower. I started to feel a little dizzy, apparently a full-scale panic attack on the way. I sat down on the cool tile floor in my big towel and put my head between my knees. I prayed he wouldn’t decide to come look for me before I could pull myself together. I could imagine what he would think if he saw me going to pieces this way. It wouldn’t be hard for him to convince himself that we were making a mistake.

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And I wasn’t freaking out because I thought we were making a mistake. Not atall. I was freaking out because I had no idea how to do this, and I was afraid to walk out of this room and face the unknown. Especially in French lingerie. I knew I wasn’t ready for that yet This felt exactly like having to walk out in front of a theater full of thousands with no idea what my lines were.

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How did people do this - swallowall their fears and trust someone else so implicitly with every imperfection and fear they had - with less than the absolute commitment Edward had given me? if it weren’t Edward out there, if I didn’t know in every cell of my body that he loved me as much as I loved him - unconditionally and irrevocably and, to be honest, irrationally - I’d never be able to get up off this floor.

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But it was Edward out there, so I whispered the words "Don’t be a coward" under my breath and scrambled to my feet. I hitched the towel tighter under my arms and marched determinedly from the bathroom. Past the suitcase full of lace and the big bed without looking at either. Out the open glass door onto the powder-fine sand.

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Everything was black-and-white, leached colorless by the moon. I walked slowly across the warm powder, pausing beside the curved tree where he had left his clothes. I laid my hand against the rough bark and checked my breathing to make sure it was even. Or even enough.

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I looked across the low ripples, black in the darkness, searching for him.

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He wasn’t hard to find. He stood, his back to me, waist deep in the midnight water, staring up at the oval moon. The pallid light of the moon turned his skin a perfect white, like the sand, like the moon itself, and made his wet hair black as the ocean. He was motionless, his hands resting palms down against the water; the low waves broke around him as if he were a stone. I stared at the smooth lines of his back, his shoulders, his arms, his neck, theflawless shape of him....

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The fire was no longer a flash burn across my skin - it was slow and deep now; it smoldered away all my awkwardness, my shy uncertainty. I slipped the towel off without hesitation, leaving it on the tree with his clothes, and walked out into the white light; it made me pale as the snowy sand, too.

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I couldn’t hear the sound of my footsteps as I walked to the water’s edge, but I guessed that he could. Edward did not turn. I let the gentle swells break over my toes, and found that he’d been right about the temperature - it was very warm, like bath water. I stepped in, walking carefully across the invisible ocean floor, but my care was unnecessary; the sand continued perfectly smooth, sloping gently toward Edward. I waded through the weightless current till I was at his side, and then I placed my hand lightly over his cool hand lying on the water.

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"Beautiful," I said, looking up at the moon, too.

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"It’s all right," he answered, unimpressed. He turned slowly to face me; little waves rolled away from his movement and broke against my skin. His eyes looked silver in his ice-colored face. He twisted his hand up so that he could twine our fingers beneath the surface of the water. It was warm enough that his cool skin did not raise goose bumps on mine.

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"But I wouldn’t use the word beautiful" he continued. "Not with you standing here in comparison."

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I half-smiled, then raised my free hand - it didn’t tremble now - and placed it over his heart. White on white; we matched, for once. He shuddered the tiniest bit at my warm touch. His breath came rougher now.

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"I promised we would try" he whispered, suddenly tense. "If... if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once."

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I nodded solemnly, keeping my eyes on his. I took another step through the waves and leaned my head against his chest.

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"Don’t be afraid," I murmured. "We belong together."

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I was abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words. This moment was so perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it.

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His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him, summer and winter. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire.

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"Forever," he agreed, and then pulled us gently into deeper water.

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The sun, hot on the bare skin of my back, woke me in the morning. Late morning, maybe afternoon, I wasn’t sure. Everything besides the time was clear, though; I knew exactly where I was - the bright room with the big white bed, brilliant sunlight streaming through the open doors. The clouds of netting would soften the shine.

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I didn’t open my eyes. I was too happy to change anything, no matter how small. The only sounds were the waves outside, our breathing, my heartbeat...

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I was comfortable, even with the baking sun. His cool skin was the perfect antidote to the heat. Lying across his wintry chest, his arms wound around me, felt very easy and natural. I wondered idly what I’d been so panicky about last night. My fears all seemed silly now.

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His fingers softly trailed down the contours of my spine, and I knew that he knew I was awake. I kept my eyes shut and tightened my arms around his neck, holding myself closer to him.

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He didn’t speak; his fingers moved up and down my back, barely touching it as he lightly traced patterns on my skin.

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I would have been happy to lie here forever, to never disturb this moment, but my body had other ideas. I laughed at my impatient stomach. It seemed sort of prosaic to be hungry after all that had passed last night. Like being brought back down to earth from some great height.

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"What’s funny?" he murmured, still stroking my back. The sound of his voice, serious and husky, brought with it a deluge of memories from the night, and I felt a blush color my face and neck.

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To answer his question, my stomach growled. I laughed again. "You just can’t escape being human for very long."

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I waited, but he did not laugh with me. Slowly, sinking through the many layers of bliss that clouded my head, came the realization of a different atmosphere outside my own glowing sphere of happiness.

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I opened my eyes; the first thing I saw was the pale, almost silvery skin of his throat, the arc of his chin above my face. His jaw was taut. I propped myself up on my elbow so I could see his face.

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He was staring at the frothy canopy above us, and he didn’t look at me as I studied his grave features. His expression was a shock - it sent a physical jolt through my body.

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"Edward," I said, a strange little catch in my throat, "what is it? What’s wrong?"

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"You have to ask?" His voice was hard, cynical.

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My first instinct, the product of a lifetime of insecurities, was to wonder what I had done wrong. I thought through everything that had happened, but I couldn’t find any sour note in the memory. It had all been simpler than I’d expected; we’d fit together like corresponding pieces, made to match up. This had given me a secret satisfaction - we were compatible physically, as well as all the other ways. Fire and ice, somehow existing together without destroying each other. More proof that I belonged with him.

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I couldn’t think of any part that would make him look like this - so severe and cold. What had I missed?

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His finger smoothed the worried lines on my forehead.

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"What are you thinking?" he whispered.

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"You’re upset. I don’t understand. Did I... ?" I couldn’t finish.

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His eyes tightened. "How badly are you hurt, Bella? The truth - don’t try to downplay it."

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"Hurt?" I repeated; my voice came out higher than usual because the word took me so by surprise.

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He raised one eyebrow, his lips a tight line.

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I made a quick assessment, stretching my body automatically, tensing and flexing my muscles. There was stiffness, and a lot of soreness, too, it was true, but mostly there was the odd sensation that my bones all had become unhinged at the joints, and I had changed halfway into the consistency of a jellyfish. It was not an unpleasant feeling. And then I was a little angry, because he was darkening this most perfect of all mornings with his pessimistic assumptions.

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"Why would you jump to that conclusion? I’ve never been better than I am now."

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His eyes closed. "Stop that."

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"Stop what?"

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"Stop acting like I’m not a monster for having agreed to this."

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"Edward!’7I whispered, really upset now. He was pulling my bright memory through the darkness, staining it. "Don’t ever say that."

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He didn’t open his eyes; it was like he didn’t want to see me.

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"Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me I’m not a monster."

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Wounded, shocked, I followed his instruction unthinkingly and then gasped.

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What had happened to me? I couldn’t make sense of the fluffy white snow that clung to my skin. I shook my head, and a cascade of white drifted out of my hair.

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I pinched one soft white bit between my fingers. It was a piece of down.

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"Why am I covered in feathers?" I asked, confused.

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He exhaled impatiently. "I bit a pillow. Or two. That’s not what I’m talking about."

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"You... bit a pillow? Why?"

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"Look, Bella!" he almost growled. He took my hand - very gingerly - and stretched my arm out. "Look at that"

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This time, I saw what he meant.

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Under the dusting of feathers, large purplish bruises were beginning to blossom across the pale skin of my arm. My eyes followed the trail they made up to my shoulder, and then down across my ribs. I pulled my hand free to poke at a discoloration on my left forearm, watching it fade where I touched and then reappear. It throbbed a little.

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So lightly that he was barely touching me, Edward placed his hand against the bruises on my arm, one at a time, matching his long fingers to the patterns.

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"Oh," I said.

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I tried to remember this - to remember pain - but I couldn’t. I couldn’t recall a moment when his hold had been too tight, his hands too hard against me. I only remembered wanting him to hold me tighter, and being pleased when he did....

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"I’m... so sorry, Bella," he whispered while I stared at the bruises. "I knew better than this. I should not have - " He made a low, revolted sound in the back of his throat. "I am more sorry than I can tell you."

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He threw his arm over his face and became perfectly still.

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I sat for one long moment in total astonishment, trying to come to terms - now that I understood it - with his misery. It was so contrary to the way that I felt that it was difficult to process.

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Theshock wore off slowly, leaving nothing in its absence. Emptiness. My mind was blank. I couldn’t think of what to say. How could I explain it to him in the right way? How could I make him as happy as I was - or as I had been, a moment ago?

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I touched his arm, and he didn’t respond. I wrapped my fingers around his wrist and tried to pry his arm off his face, but I could have been yanking on a sculpture for all the good it did me.

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"Edward."

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He didn’t move.

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"Edward?"

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Nothing. So, this would be a monologue, then.

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"I’mnot sorry, Edward. I’m... I can’t even tell you. I’m so happy. That doesn’t cover it. Don’t be angry. Don’t. I’m really f - "

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"Do not say the word fine." His voice was ice cold. "If you value my sanity, do not say that you are fine."

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"But I am: I whispered.

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"Bella," he almost moaned. "Don’t."

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"No. You don’t, Edward."

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He moved his arm; his gold eyes watched me warily.

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"Don’t ruin this," I told him. "I. Am. Happy."

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"I’ve already ruined this," he whispered.

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"Cut it out," I snapped.

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I heard his teeth grind together.

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"Ugh!" I groaned. "Why can’t you just read my mind already? It’s so inconvenient to be a mental mute!"

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His eyes widened a little bit, distracted in spite of himself.

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"That’s a new one. You love that I can’t read your mind."

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"Not today."

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He stared at me. "Why?"

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I threw my hands up in frustration, feeling an ache in my shoulder that I ignored. My palms fell back against his chest with a sharp smack. "Because all this angst would be completely unnecessary if you could see how I feel right now! Or five minutes ago, anyway. I was perfectly happy. Totally and completely blissed out. Now - well, I’m sort of pissed, actually."

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"You should be angry at me."

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"Well, I am. Does that make you feel better?"

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He sighed. "No. I don’t think anything could make me feel better now."

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"T/?af," I snapped. "That right there is why I’m angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward."

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He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

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I took a deep breath. I was feeling more of the soreness now, but it wasn’t that bad. Sort of like the day after lifting weights. I’d done that with Renee during one of her fitness obsessions. Sixty-five lunges with ten pounds in each hand. I couldn’t walk the next day. This was not as painful as that had been by half.

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I swallowed my irritation and tried to make my voice soothing. "We knew this was going to be tricky. I thought that was assumed. And then - well, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. And this is really nothing." I brushed my fingers along my arm. "I think for a first time, not knowing what to expect, we did amazing. With a little practice - "

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His expression was suddenly so livid that I broke off mid-sentence.

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"Assumed? Did you expect this, Bella? Were you anticipating that I would hurt you? Were you thinking it would be worse? Do you consider the experiment a success because you can walk away from it? No broken bones - that

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equals a victory?"

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I waited, letting him get it all out. Then I waited some more while his breathing went back to normal. When his eyes were calm, I answered, speaking with slow precision.

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"I didn’t know what to expect - but I definitely did not expect how... how... just wonderful and perfect it was." My voice dropped to a whisper, my eyes slipped from his face down to my hands. "I mean, I don’t know how it was for you, but it was like that for me."

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A cool finger pulled my chin back up.

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"Is that what you’re worried about?" he said through his teeth. "That I didn’t enjoy myself?"

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My eyes stayed down. "I know it’s not the same. You’re not human. I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can’t imagine that life gets any better than that."

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He was quiet for so long that, finally, I had to look up. His face was softer now, thoughtful.

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"It seems that I have more to apologize for." He frowned. "I didn’t dream that you would construe the way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night wasn’t... well, the best night of my existence. But I don’t want to think of it that way, not when you were ..."

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My lips curved up a little at the edges. "Really? The best ever?" I asked in a small voice.

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He took my face between his hands, still introspective. "I spoke to Carlisle after you and I made our bargain, hoping he could help me. Of course he warned me that this would be very dangerous for you."

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A shadow crossed his expression. "He had faith in me, though - faith I didn’t deserve."

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I started to protest, and he put two fingers over my lips before I could comment.

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"I also asked him what should expect. I didn’t know what it would be for me... what with my being a vampire." He smiled halfheartedly. "Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that part??- you had already altered me so completely." This time his smile was more genuine.

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"I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood." A line creased his brow. "But I’ve tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent than that... I don’t think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more."

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"It was more. It was everything."

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"That doesn’t change the fact that it was wrong. Even if it were possible that you really did feel that way."

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"What does that mean? Do you think I’m making this up? Why?"

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"To ease my guilt. I can’t ignore the evidence, Bella. Or your history of trying to let me off the hook when I make mistakes."

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I grabbed his chin and leaned forward so that our faces were inches apart. "You listen to me, Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I didn’t even know there was a reason to make you feel better until you started being all miserable. I’ve never been so happy in all my life - I wasn’t this happy when you decided that you loved me more than you wanted to kill me, or the first morning I woke up and you were there waiting for me.... Not when I heard your voice in the ballet studio" - he flinched at the old memory of my close call with a hunting vampire, but I didn’t pause - "or when you said i do’ and I realized that, somehow, I get to keep you forever. Those are the happiest memories I have, and this is better than any of it. So just deal with it."

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He touched the frown line between my eyebrows. Tm making you unhappy now. I don’t want to do that."

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"Then don’t you be unhappy. That’s the only thing that’s wrong here."

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His eyes tightened, then he took a deep breath and nodded. "You’re right. The past is past and I can’t do anything to change it. There’s no sense in letting my mood sour this time for you. HI do whatever I can to make you happy now."

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I examined his face suspiciously, and he gave me a serene smile.

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"Whatever makes me happy?"

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My stomach growled at the same time that I asked.

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"You’re hungry," he said quickly. He was swiftly out of the bed, stirring up a cloud of feathers. Which reminded me.

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"So, why exactly did you decide to ruin Esme’s pillows?" I asked, sitting up and shaking more down from my hair.

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He had already pulled on a pair of loose khaki pants, and he stood by the door, rumpling his hair, dislodging a few feathers of his own.

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"I don’t know if I decided to do anything last night," he muttered. "We’re just lucky it was the pillows and not you." He inhaled deeply and then shook his head, as if shaking off the dark thought. A very authentic-looking smile spread across his face, but I guessed it took a lot of work to put it there.

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I slid carefully off the high bed and stretched again, more aware, now, of the aches and sore spots. I heard him gasp. He turned away from me, and his hands balled up, knuckles white.

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"Do I look that hideous?" I asked, working to keep my tone light. His breath caught, but he didn’t turn, probably to hide his expression from me. I walked to the bathroom to check for myself.

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I stared at my naked body in the full-length mirror behind the door.

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I’d definitely had worse. There was a faint shadow across one of my cheekbones, and my lips were a little swollen, but other than that, my face was fine. The rest of me was decorated with patches of blue and purple. I concentrated on the bruises that would be the hardest to hide - my arms and my shoulders. They weren’t so bad. My skin marked up easily. By the time a bruise showed I’d usually forgotten how I’d come by it. Of course, these were just developing. I’d look even worse tomorrow. That would not make things any easier.

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I looked at my hair, then, and groaned.

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"Bella?" He was right there behind me as soon as I’d made a sound.

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"I’ll never get this all out of my hair!" I pointed to my head, where it looked like a chicken was nesting. I started picking at the feathers.

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"You would be worried about your hair," he mumbled, but he came to stand behind me, pulling out the feathers

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much more quickly.

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"How did you keep from laughing at this? I look ridiculous."

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He didn’t answer; he just kept plucking. And I knew the answer anyway - there was nothing that would be funny to him in this mood.

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’This isn’t going to work," I sighed after a minute. "It’s all dried in. I’m going to have to try to wash it out." I turned around, wrapping my arms around his cool waist. "Do you want to help me?"

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Td better find some food for you," he said in a quiet voice, and he gently unwound my arms. I sighed as he disappeared, moving too fast.

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It looked like my honeymoon was over. The thought put a big lump in my throat.

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When I was mostly feather-free and dressed in an unfamiliar white cotton dress that concealed the worst of the violet blotches, I padded off barefoot to where the smell of eggs and bacon and Cheddar cheese was coming from.

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Edward stood in front of the stainless steel stove, sliding an omelet onto the light blue plate waiting on the counter. The scent of the food overwhelmed me. I felt like I could eat the plate and the frying pan, too; my stomach snarled.

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"Here," he said. He turned with a smile on his face and set the plate on a small tiled table.

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I sat in one of the two metal chairs and started snarfing down the hot eggs. They burned my throat, but I didn’t care.

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He sat down across from me. "I’m not feeding you often enough."

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I swallowed and then reminded him, "I was asleep. This is really good, by the way. Impressive for someone who doesn’t eat."

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"Food Network," he said, flashing my favorite crooked smile.

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I was happy to see it, happy that he seemed more like his normal self.

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"Where did the eggs come from?"

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"I asked the cleaning crew to stock the kitchen. A first, for this place. I’ll have to ask them to deal with the feathers.... " He trailed off, his gaze fixed on a space above my head. I didn’t respond, trying to avoid saying anything that would upset him again.

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I ate everything, though he’d made enough for two.

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"Thank you," I told him. I leaned across the table to kiss him. He kissed me back automatically, and then suddenly stiffened and leaned away.

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I gritted my teeth, and the question I meant to ask came out sounding like an accusation. "You aren’t going to touch me again while we’re here, are you?"

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He hesitated, then half-smiled and raised his hand to stroke my cheek. His fingers lingered softly on my skin, and I couldn’t help leaning my face into his palm.

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"You know that’s not what I meant."

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He sighed and dropped his hand. "I know. And you’re right." He paused, lifting his chin slightly. And then he spoke again with firm conviction. "I will not make love with you until you’ve been changed. I will never hurt you again."

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