WHEN I was something like myself once more, I could not believe that the new day which was dawning would not be exactly like all the days that had gone before. There were moments when I felt that some circumstance or other, which I could not remember, had obliged me to spend the night away from Marguerite, and that, if I returned to Bougival, I should find her waiting anxiously, just as I had waited, and she would ask me what had kept me from her.
When your life has become so dependent on a habit as strong as our habit of loving, it hardly seems possible that the habit can be broken without also demolishing everything else which buttresses your life.
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因此我不得不经常重读玛格丽特的信,好让自己确信不是在做梦。
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And so, from time to time, I was driven to reread Marguerite’s letter, to convince myself that I had not been dreaming.
My body, giving way under the nervous shock, was incapable of any kind of movement. The worry, my walk through the night and the morning’s revelations had exhausted me. My father took advantage of my state of total collapse to ask me for my strict promise that I would go away with him.
All I remember is that the same day, at about five o’clock, he put us both into a post-chaise. Without telling me, he had arranged for my trunks to be got ready and had them strapped along with his to the back of the carriage, and then he took me away with him.
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我茫然若失。当城市消失在后面以后,旅程的寂寞又勾起了我心中的空虚。
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I became aware of what I was doing only when the city had dropped behind us, when the empty road reminded me of the emptiness in my heart.
My father had sensed that words alone, even his words, could not comfort me, and he let me cry without saying anything, content to pat my hand from time to time, as though to remind me that I had a friend at my side.
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晚上我睡了一会儿,在梦里我见到了玛格丽特。
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That night, I slept a little. I dreamed of Marguerite.
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我突然惊醒了,弄不懂我怎么会坐在车子里面的。
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I woke with a start. I could not understand what I was doing in a carriage.
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随后我又想到了现实情况,我的头垂在胸前。
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Then reality returned, and I let my head fall on to my chest.
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我不敢跟父亲交谈,总是怕他对我说:“我是不相信这个女人的爱情的,你看我说对了吧。”
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I dared not talk to my father, for I was still afraid that he would say: ’You do see I was right when I told you that woman didn’t love you, ’
But he took no unfair advantage of the situation, and we reached C without his having spoken save of matters completely foreign to the events which had led to my departure.
When I embraced my sister, I was reminded of the words in Marguerite’s letter concerning her. But I saw at once that, however fine and good she was, my sister could never make me forget my mistress.
The hunting season had begun, and my father thought that a spot of shooting might take my mind off things. So he organized hunting parties with neighbours and friends. I went along as unprotesting as I was unenthusiastic, in the mood of apathy which had characterized all my actions since my departure.
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我们进行围猎,他们叫我守在我的位置上,我卸掉了子弹把猎枪放在身旁,人却陷入了沉思。
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We went out with beaters. I would be installed in my butt. Then I would put my unloaded gun beside me and let my mind wander.
I watched the clouds pass over. I let my thoughts run wild over the deserted plains and, from time to time, would hear one of the hunters signalling that there was a hare not ten paces in front of me.
None of this escaped my father’s notice, and he refused to allow himself to be taken in by my outward calm. He was quite aware that, however unmanned my heart was now, it could provoke a terrible, perhaps even dangerous reaction at any time, and, going out of his way to avoid giving the impression that he was consoling me, he did his utmost to occupy my mind with other things.
Of course, my sister had been told nothing of the events which had occurred. She thus found it difficult to under stand why I, who had always been so carefree, should suddenly have become so preoccupied and melancholy.
Sometimes in my sadness, catching my father’s anxious eye, I would reach out to him and grasp his hand as though to ask a silent pardon for the unhappiness which, despite myself, I was causing him.
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一个月就这样过去了,但我已经无法再忍受下去了。
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A month went by in this manner, but a month was all I could bear.
The memory of Marguerite pursued me wherever I went. I had loved that woman? still loved her? too much for her suddenly to cease to mean anything to me. Whatever feelings I might have for her now, I had to see her again. At once.
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我心里一有了这个念头就牢牢地生了根,这种顽强的意志在我久无生气的躯体里面又重新出现了。
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The longing to do so crept into my mind and took root there with all the force which the will displays when finally it reasserts itself in a body that has long remained inert.
I needed Marguerite, not at some time in the future, not in a month nor a week from the moment the idea first entered my head, but before another day passed. I immediately went to my father and told him that I proposed to take my leave to attend to some matters which had called me back to Paris, but added that I would return promptly.
He probably guessed the real reasons for my departure, because he insisted that I should stay. But, seeing that if my desires were thwarted, then in my present excitable state, the consequences might prove fatal to me, he embraced me and begged me, almost tearfully, to come back to him soon.
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在到达巴黎之前,我根本没有睡过觉。
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I did not sleep all the way to Paris.
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巴黎到了,我要干些什么呢?我不知道,首先当然是要看看玛格丽特怎么样了。
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What would I do when I got there? I had no idea. But the first thing was to attend to Marguerite.
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我到家里换好衣服,因为那天天气很好,时间还来得及,我就到了香榭丽舍大街。
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I went to my apartment to change and, as it was fine and still not too late in the day, I went to the Champs- Elysees.
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半个小时以后,我远远地看到了玛格丽特的车子从圆形广场向协和广场驶来。
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A half an hour later, in the distance, coming from the Rond-Point down to the Place de la Concorde, I saw Marguerite’s carriage approaching.
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她的马匹已经赎回来了,车子还是老样子,不过车上却没有她。
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She had bought back her horses, for the carriage was just as it used to be. Only she was not in it.
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一看到她不在马车里,我就向四周扫了一眼,看到玛格丽特正由一个我过去从未见过的女人陪着徒步走来。
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I had only just noticed that she was not inside when, looking round me, I saw Marguerite walking towards me in the company of a woman I had never seen before.
As she passed quite close to me, she turned pale and her lips contracted into an uneasy smile. As for me, my heart beat so violently that it took my breath away. But I managed to give a cold expression to my face and a cold greeting to my former mistress, who went back to her carriage almost at once and got into it with her friend.
I knew Marguerite. Meeting me so unexpectedly must have thrown her into a state of great confusion. In all likelihood, she had got to hear of my departure which had set her mind at rest as to the consequences of our sudden parting. But, seeing me back and coming face to face with me, pale as I was, she had sensed that my return had a purpose, and must have wondered what was going to happen.
If, when I saw her again, Marguerite had been unhappy; if, in taking my revenge, there had also been some way of helping her ?then I might well have forgiven her, and would certainly never have dreamed of doing her any harm. But when I saw her again, she was happy, at least on the surface. Another man had restored her to the luxury in which I had been unable to keep her. Our estrangement, which she had initiated, accordingly acquired the stamp of the basest self- interest. I was humiliated both in my pride and my love: she was going to have to pay for what I had suffered.
I could not remain indifferent to what she did now. It followed that the thing that would hurt her most would be precisely for me to show indifference. Indifference, therefore, was the sentiment which I now needed to feign, not only in her presence but in the eyes of others.
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我试着装出一副笑脸,跑到了普律当丝家里。
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I tried to put a smile on my face, and I went to call on Prudence.
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她的女用人进去通报我来了,并要我在客厅里稍候片刻。
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Her maid went in to announce me, and kept me waiting briefly in the drawing-room.
Madame Duvernoy appeared at length and showed me into her parlour. As I was about to sit down, I heard the drawing-room door open and a light footfall made a floorboard creak. Then the door to the landing slammed shut.
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“我打扰您了吗?”我问普律当丝。
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“没有的事,玛格丽特刚才在这儿,她一听到通报是您来了,她就逃了,刚才出去的就是她。”
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“这么说,现在她怕我了?”
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“不是的,她是怕您见到她会觉得讨厌。”
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’No, but she’s afraid you wouldn’t relish seeing her again.
’Why ever not? ’I said, making an effort to breathe freely, for my emotions were choking me. ’The poor creature left me so that she could get her carriage and furniture and diamonds back. She was quite right, and it’s not for me to bear grudges. I ran into her earlier on, ’ I went on nonchalantly.